Sunday, January 30, 2011

part 2

Yesterday was such an emotional day for me. It really helped to sit and get some of it out in my blog, and thank you all for your kind words and support. It is hard for me to lean on others, It is my "nature" to take the world on my shoulders, and not reach out when I am struggling. I really want to give everyone big hugs right now, I'm certainly feeling the "love". It means alot!
I realized with all of the mixed emotions I was having all I could think about was eating. First I had waited to long to eat, so I was starving, but I wanted to have an eating frenzy. In my own way I did, but not the way the Becky from 2 weeks ago would have. All in all, I went 350 calories over my limit. At the "moment in time" I felt like I was eating thousands of calories, but when I tracked it, it wasn't bad. And it was all within the realm of our healthy food list.  That tells me a little something about myself. That through this process I am growing, and little by little I am changing.
While change is not easy, it is worth it.
Food has always been my comfort in one way or another, food wouldn't molest me, food didn't make fun of me, food was always there for me.
Food is not there for my entertainment, food is there to fuel my body. I can't tell you how many things I am noticing about my body's reaction to the good things that are going into it. My tastes are changing, I can taste the sweet in foods, that I would have thought bland or bitter before. I am actually tasting my food! unsweetened coconut, is awesome! it's the little things, lol.
I am starting to appreciate my food, and what it does for me. WOW!
I feel like I woke up to a fresh start, and looking at things through new eyes. haha, well at least for today ;)  One day at a time.. Looking forward to the week ahead! No excuses!

Saturday, January 29, 2011

part 1

Wow, what a meeting today... It left me with a lot to think about, and very emotional! I still haven't sorted out all of my thoughts, but thought it might help to blog a little.

I talked about how I am all or nothing, but I don't think that is quite exact. Give me a task, I will try and do my best, I look for the validation that comes with doing the task well. I had a good week 2, was very precise, really tried to balance my carbs, my good fats, and protein. I didn't have a Clif bar all week. I tried to eat meals that were 100%. I got great results (on the scale) so I was excited to submit everything to Chris first thing yesterday morning. I couldn't wait for his response to how I am doing, and was bummed when I didn't get a response at all. Why? I am asking myself why... Thank you Sherri ;)...I know I had a good week, I did everything to the best of my ability, was I up to par all week? nope. There were a couple of workouts that were hard for me, but that's life right? Why was it so important for me to hear Chris say I did a good job? Validation...

Which leads me to thinking about the other parts of my life..

Why do I feel like I need to be validated on everything? When did this start? I had a semi crappy childhood. My parents are loving people, I had a terrible relationship with my brother, and I was molested by my uncle. I can pin point the time I started getting chubby, it was after the whole molestation thing came out. I think my parents dealt with it as best they could, I went to counseling and all of that, but I think to make me "happy" they just let me eat whatever. Of course my dad was the type, we had to eat our whole plate, because there are starving kids in China, but really I think he knew what junk food I liked, so they let me have it. Maybe he felt like he let me down, by not preventing what happened, and he didn't want to let me down again... I don't know where the validation comes into this, but hopefully as I dig deeper, I will find out...
Maybe with being the chubby kid, I always felt insecure, shy, unsure of myself, I wasn't good at anything (or so I thought, because I didn't try) I didn't want to draw attention to myself, getting made fun of for being chubby, wearing glasses, and having braces was bad enough, I didn't want to get made fun of for not being able to play the game too.
I don't know, I still have a lot to think about, I am still very emotional. I went to the grocery, and had such a hard time getting things. I couldn't think...
Oh boy, this is deep...

Friday, January 28, 2011

Black Bean Brownie recipe

I have heard of these gluten free, sugar free black bean brownies, so I looked up a recipe. I am going to try and make them tonight, if I do i may bring them to the meeting tomorrow :)
Here is the recipe- not sure on the calories yet, I haven't added everything up.

Amazing Black Bean Brownie Recipe

For those of you who have a hard time tracking down agave nectar (which is becoming much more readily available) substitute honey 1:1 for the agave nectar. Ania's head notes encourage you to keep these brownies in the refrigerator, they will slice much better if refrigerated several hours or preferably overnight. I used instant coffee this time around, but you can find natural coffee substitute at many natural food stores.

4 ounces unsweetened chocolate
1 cup unsalted butter
2 cups soft-cooked black beans, drained well (hs: canned is fine)
1 cup walnuts, chopped
1 tablespoon vanilla extract
¼ cup (granulated) natural coffee substitute (or instant coffee, for gluten-sensitive)
¼ teaspoon sea salt
4 large eggs
1½ cups light agave nectar

Preheat the oven to 325°F. Line an 11- by 18-inch (rimmed) baking pan (hs note: or jellyroll pan) with parchment paper and lightly oil with canola oil spray.

Melt the chocolate and butter in a glass bowl in the microwave for 1 1/2 to 2 minutes on high. Stir with a spoon to melt the chocolate completely. Place the beans, 1/2 cup of the walnuts, the vanilla extract, and a couple of spoonfuls of the melted chocolate mixture into the bowl of a food processor. Blend about 2 minutes, or until smooth. The batter should be thick and the beans smooth. Set aside.

In a large bowl, mix together the remaining 1/2 cup walnuts, remaining melted chocolate mixture, coffee substitute, and salt. Mix well and set aside.

In a separate bowl, with an electric mixer beat the eggs until light and creamy, about 1 minute. Add the agave nectar and beat well. Set aside.

Add the bean/chocolate mixture to the coffee/chocolate mixture. Stir until blended well.

Add the egg mixture, reserving about 1/2 cup. Mix well. Pour the batter into the prepared pan. Using an electric mixer, beat the remaining 1/2 cup egg mixture until light and fluffy. Drizzle over the brownie batter. Use a wooden toothpick to pull the egg mixture through the batter, creating a marbled effect. Bake for 30 to 40 minutes, until the brownies are set. Let cool in the pan completely before cutting into squares. (They will be soft until refrigerated.)

Makes 45 (2-inch) brownies.

Over the hump

I had an ok week. Great with my eating, but Tuesday and Wednesday I hit a wall. My body said STOP! Tired isn't even the word for it. I felt like a zombie, my energy was low, my mental state was low, it was NOT a good 2 days! But Wednesday night I ended up going to bed at 8pm and Thursday morning I woke up feeling like a totally different person! I was unsure that it would last all day, but it did, and I still feel great! So for those of you who are struggling with that like I was, it will pass, just like Sherri and Chris said! Who said we should listen to Chris? lol He seems to know what he is talking about ;)
I had a great weigh in this morning, and am ready for the day! See you guys tomorrow!
No excuses!

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Happy Tuesday!

Well first off (Chris I know you will like this) I haven't had a Cliff bar since Saturday! (Which was on my way to the meeting, LOL) I have been trying to prepare each meal that I eat. Which is much harder, but I have found it satisfying. I baked a chicken on Sunday, made chili, I'm going to make Amber's lemon chicken tonight, things are good. I still find the meditation is hardest for me, I missed Sunday, but sat down this morning before my daughter got up, and actually made it the full 10 minutes. It wasn't too bad, once I made myself sit!
Is anyone else struggling with being tired? Like I am ready to go to bed @ 7! Crazy! I intended to get up @ 5am this morning and make my way to the gym, but my alarm went off, then next thing I knew it was almost 6am! By then it was too late. So I will have to go tonight. I am enjoying the workouts very much now. I feel like I don't have to take SO much time out of my day to do them. I am looking forward to getting outside tomorrow for "tempo" run.
Hope everyone is having a great Tuesday!

Sunday, January 23, 2011

not ready

Well I decided yesterday was my free meal day, and being my daughters birthday I thought long and hard about what I wanted to use it on. I decided I would rather have pizza that we ordered instead of cake, and in place of ice cream, I bought some coconut milk ice cream, that was really good! It is dairy and soy free, and sweetened with Agave. 150 calories per 1/2 cup serving. So anyways back to the pizza...
I ordered pizza from Papa Johns... I ordered regular pizza's then ordered one with thin crust, all veggies, and light on the cheese. I checked into calories, and the regular thin crust veggie pizza a slice is 210 calories... not too bad right, well when you eat 5 pieces, I guess that can't be good... I was going to just have 3, I had been really good all day, and still had plenty of calories to allot for that, but I just couldn't stay out of it. It was totally emotional, and I did NOT take the time to figure out why I was doing it, I just did it. I was way too full, but it didn't seem to matter.
So, back to normal today. Trying not to dwell on the pizza. I didn't have any cake. I am a total CARB LOVER! I really need to watch that. I am going to be more aware, and eat less Cliff Bars ;)
ahh, off to the grocery store... Going to prepare my meals for the week.
Have a great week! Congratulations to everyone on an awesome week 1!

Friday, January 21, 2011

good first week

I don't know how many times, I started to blog this week, then stopped, deleted, started on a different topic, deleted it, on so on and so forth...
I have had so many thoughts, and insights, it's been a good week.
I have struggled with my hunger, but have kept to the food list and my calories. I have done all of the workouts, except todays, and am going to do that in the morning.
I am having a hard time with meditating. I am having a hard time slowing down, and taking the time to do it. I will keep at it though.
Tomorrow is my daughters birthday, I made a cake and cupcakes tonight, and it was SO HARD for me not to lick the spoon, or treat myself to a cupcake. Chris said it would be ok to have a piece of cake and some ice cream, but I am afraid, I wont be able to limit myself. I am going to try this organic coconut milk ice cream that I saw at Krogers. I looked it up
and it looks like it might be a good substitute. I will let you know.
I am looking forward to seeing everyone tomorrow at the meeting!

Monday, January 17, 2011

Day 1/2

I started my day with my Monday workout. I decided to go outside @ 7:30am and FREEZE my butt, but I got it done. I am used to working out longer than I did, and burning more calories during a workout (I have a heart rate monitor) but again, I am trying to trust the process. It did feel good to start my day getting my heart going.
So with that being said, of course I ate my "breakfast" (Cliff Bar) on my way to work in the car- I didn't think anything of it, before I started doing it, but as I was driving down the road eating, I thought, hmm, I'm not supposed to do this. So I was mindful that I was doing it. Does that count, lol.
Anyways, I got through the day, it wasn't too bad all in all.
No excuses!
I had my first attempt at meditating... I found my self making excuses not to try it, the kids are up, they wont let me have the time/peace, but I did it. It was hard to sit there and "try" to think about nothing! My mind kept racing from one thing to another... But again, I am going to Trust the Process. I will keep at it.
No excuses!

Friday, January 14, 2011

Trust the process

ok, so WOW! This is so totally different than anything I have ever done before! It was so great to meet so many of you today, and I have so much to think about. MaryBeth and I were talking, and we discussed how we exercise so that we can eat, well, over eat. The more I think about it, here lately especially it's not working out so well for me. That is why I am here, lol.
This process is going to be a HUGE change, I have learned to exercise, and exercise, the more the better. It will be a shift in my thought process to learn to not over do it, to really eat the right things, for the right reasons. I haven't finished reading my binder yet ( I just got it last night) but so far, I have learned what an emotional eater I am.
I did go to Kroger and they did have most everything on the list of foods we should get. I am going to spend my day planning my meals for the week tomorrow.
I am going to trust the process... I am going to give 100% of myself to this.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011


I can't stop thinking about finishing my first 1/2 marathon. I guess I'm still "high". A couple of hours after we finished my husband asked what my next goal was, I said I don't know, I guess to be better prepared for the next one (which is the Indy mini marathon) I would like to actually train right, so I don't hit the brick wall at mile 10. I think that is a reasonable goal... As the week has gone on, I have been reflecting on my whole experience, now that my body has rested, and my mind has settled, I noticed I am starting to set my goals higher. my husband had mentioned doing the FULL Disney marathon next year, and I was like, yeah right!!! HA! no way! but now, I really think it is possible... I can do anything if I set my mind to it! I really can! I feel like something has "shifted" in my mind. I am believing in myself more now.
I really am excited to get started on BTWG. I am looking forward to feeling like that, in all areas of my life.
Right now, food controls me, these last few days, I can't stop eating, I start my day eating great, but by afternoon, it's over. I'm digging around looking for candy...
There are parts of my body that I need to work on. I am full of excuses. I am so ready!

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Run of my life

I did it!!! It was amazing! The first 6 miles were awesome! I felt great, the atmosphere was fun, I was having a great time. At mile 8 I started to feel it, my body was in shock I think. My hips started to ache... Mile 10, I had a potty break, I totally felt it then. My body did not want to go any further. I kept on going, I dug deep. The last 2 miles were for sure the hardest. I was ready to stop, my body was telling me to stop, my mind was telling me not to quit. i had my husband there right beside me the whole time, which was such an encouragement. He could have gone on and blew the pants off of me, but he stayed by my side. The last mile, was my mile. It felt like it was 5 miles, lol. Every part of my body hurt, my feet were on fire, my knee was hurting, my ankle was sore, I felt sick. I concentrated on my breathing, on finishing, on my goal. I thought about my experience, my journey, what this race meant to me. I made it, ran the whole way, and really proved something to myself. It was great! So I complete this awesome race, and eat like crap the whole entire weekend... hmmm. There is something wrong there.
I am anxious to get my fitness test done, since i was gone this weekend, I get mine done this coming Friday...

Monday, January 3, 2011


Well, this past week for me I have had a lot of ups and downs, mentally and physically. Feeling like I am unprepared for this run, really brought me down! I think I reached a turning point. After taking Chris's advice, I am trying to look at this run, not like it will defeat me, or I will defeat it. But it is what it is, my goal is to finish, enjoy my accomplishments, and learn from the experience. I went to the gym yesterday, I ran 8 miles on the treadmill, not too bad. I wasn't fast by any means, but i don't care. I'm not trying to win. Slow and Steady, that's my motto. I am excited to run a 1/2 marathon in DISNEY WORLD! I will enjoy it, Enjoy the time with my husband, enjoy my accomplishments, enjoy knowing how far I have come.
Now I must work through this "switch" in my head. I am running, and all of a sudden I just want to stop. I stop then think "what the heck am I doing!?!?!" I don't stop because I'm in pain, or I can't go any further, I just stop. I wish I knew why I do that.. Definitely something to think about... Maybe i will figure it out during the BTWG journey....

Saturday, January 1, 2011


I don't really believe in making New Years resolutions, most of the time, people make them, they last 2 weeks maybe a month, and they are over. I've been there, done that. I know to make a real change, it has to come from deep within. Your heart has to be in it. You have to be really ready.
The last 6 months or so, my heart hasn't been in it. I eat like crap, then say, Monday I'm back to counting my calories, by Tuesday I'm off again. It's been a cycle. And it has gotten me no where. I set goals, then find ways to sabotage them.
It is time I change this. I woke up this morning to an email from a good friend. She doesn't know how much her words of encouragement, her friendship, her strength mean to me. She has been an inspiration to me this past year. She said " A 1/2 marathon is a perfect way
to start the year runnin'! You will do well I know it."
Well ok then! No more looking at this 1/2 marathon like it is going to defeat me! I will defeat it! I can do anything I set my mind to!
2011 bring it on!