Saturday, January 29, 2011

part 1

Wow, what a meeting today... It left me with a lot to think about, and very emotional! I still haven't sorted out all of my thoughts, but thought it might help to blog a little.

I talked about how I am all or nothing, but I don't think that is quite exact. Give me a task, I will try and do my best, I look for the validation that comes with doing the task well. I had a good week 2, was very precise, really tried to balance my carbs, my good fats, and protein. I didn't have a Clif bar all week. I tried to eat meals that were 100%. I got great results (on the scale) so I was excited to submit everything to Chris first thing yesterday morning. I couldn't wait for his response to how I am doing, and was bummed when I didn't get a response at all. Why? I am asking myself why... Thank you Sherri ;)...I know I had a good week, I did everything to the best of my ability, was I up to par all week? nope. There were a couple of workouts that were hard for me, but that's life right? Why was it so important for me to hear Chris say I did a good job? Validation...

Which leads me to thinking about the other parts of my life..

Why do I feel like I need to be validated on everything? When did this start? I had a semi crappy childhood. My parents are loving people, I had a terrible relationship with my brother, and I was molested by my uncle. I can pin point the time I started getting chubby, it was after the whole molestation thing came out. I think my parents dealt with it as best they could, I went to counseling and all of that, but I think to make me "happy" they just let me eat whatever. Of course my dad was the type, we had to eat our whole plate, because there are starving kids in China, but really I think he knew what junk food I liked, so they let me have it. Maybe he felt like he let me down, by not preventing what happened, and he didn't want to let me down again... I don't know where the validation comes into this, but hopefully as I dig deeper, I will find out...
Maybe with being the chubby kid, I always felt insecure, shy, unsure of myself, I wasn't good at anything (or so I thought, because I didn't try) I didn't want to draw attention to myself, getting made fun of for being chubby, wearing glasses, and having braces was bad enough, I didn't want to get made fun of for not being able to play the game too.
I don't know, I still have a lot to think about, I am still very emotional. I went to the grocery, and had such a hard time getting things. I couldn't think...
Oh boy, this is deep...

6 comments:

  1. Becky, a very brave post...thank you for sharing. I know it's not always easy to revisit difficult memories. The idea of validation and the need to receive it from others are really fascinating - and one I know I struggle with, and from what others today shared, most everyone deals with in some form. Let your emotions come out - whatever form they take - and then see where you land afterward and and take in the new view. Painful as they can be, one of the most powerful parts of this program is that it helps us all embrace those cathartic moments when we find something inside of us that seems odd or uncomfortable or uneasy, and we cast it outside of ourselves to take a look at it with a critical eye (and a critical "why"- heehee).

    When I see you next I'll share my parent's response to my sister after she exposed her abuse by an uncle also. Very similar reaction to what you think motivated your parents response re: food - and both coming from parents who love their daughters so much, who (by my parents own admission) felt they somehow should have known, and who never want to see their girls hurt again.

    Talk soon and until then, take care.

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  2. I am so proud of you for posting this today. I can only imagine your emotions at this state, but stay with it and figure out the best way for you to be a healthier person. You deserve it!

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  3. Becky:
    I echo Sherri and Becky's comments - how brave you are and how proud you should be! I know this project brings up so much emotional stuff, and what is really great is that you didn't swallow it back down with food! Already, you are changing how all of this looks for you!
    I, too, come from a family in which food was used for comfort. It is still a struggle for me to not offer my child a cookie or treat everytime they are hurting - that connection runs so deep. I, too, was molested as a child, and that healing journey always travels with body image issues and validation needs. (I ALWAYS stressed when noone commented on my blog!) This is a gift you are giving yourself... it is not always pretty or easy, but it will only get better, promise! Thanks for sharing!

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  4. Nice work Becky!! You are really helping people by being so candid and honest. Not easy but heck what have we got to lose!!
    No excuses my friend
    You mean it and are living it! Thanks for the good example!
    Peace

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  5. Becky, you are not alone. This has been an emotional roller coaster for me too. (I was the one getting teary eyed at the meeting) .....It really is hard to lay it all out on the table to deal with. I admire you for doing so, and am attempting at dealing with all my "stuff" too. Hang in there girlie!

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  6. Agree with the rest. Thanks for being transparent and real. I, too, am in that unfortunate molestation club. I, too, struggle w/ validation. One thing that may help... although admittedly, I am not there yet... validating yourself. You did a great job with no Clif bars, exercise, and just being real. Maybe you can find ways to think more about those things. I am so proud of you though...admitting where you are -emotional or not -is HUGE! And, you may feel like you're in the deep waters, but you're not alone. Lots of support all around. Try to remember that, too. ((hugs))

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